A holiday quickie, for Guardian and BBC journalists
From Climate Scepticism
BY MARK HODGSON
A is for Alarmism. Make it front and central in everything you write.
B is for Black. Be prepared to argue that it’s white.
C is for climate crisis, climate change, climate chaos. It’s also for carbon (nasty black stuff), but never carbon dioxide (don’t discuss it; never mention that it’s essential plant food).
D is for denier. There is no such thing as a sceptic. Deniers are a disgusting monolithic entity. Never acknowledge that they have legitimate concerns about net zero and climate policy.
E is for electric vehicles. They aren’t expensive, charge anxiety is a myth, they will save the planet, they don’t burst into flames and they definitely have lower overall greenhouse gas emissions than internal combustion engine vehicles.
F is for fossil fuels. Nasty polluting stuff. It has never done anything to lift people out of poverty or to make life better. They have only ever been used by developed countries, and only they must pay for having used them.
G is for global. Everything is going to hell in a handcart on a global scale.
H is for heat. Always emphasise increased deaths from increased heat. Never ever mention that far more people die from extreme cold than do from extreme heat, nor talk about the fact that gentle warming is for the foreseeable future likely to reduce rather than increase deaths from extreme temperatures.
I is for investment. Always refer to spending on renewables, net zero, and all the rest as an investment, never as a cost.
J is for Just Transition. We don’t have a clue how to protect the poor from the damaging effects of net zero policies, but it’s important to maintain the illusion that they’ll be protected by the Just Transition.
K is for Kyoto. It’s not as important as Paris, but always refer to it in glowing terms.
L is for language. The language you use is important. Always use extreme language to get your message across.
M is for methane. People seem to be tiring of “carbon” scare stories, so use methane to up the ante.
N is for net zero. The Holy Grail.
O is for optimism. Never worry that net zero is impracticable. Always be upbeat.
P is for pylons. They are a good thing.
Q is for quolls. They’re Australian animals, so they’re bound to be endangered by climate change.
R is for renewable energy. Don’t listen to engineers who tell you it’s impracticable at scale or to scare-mongers who point out that its costs (ahem, investment levels) are going up, not down.
S is for Smart Meters. They are a good thing too. Never talk about the massive cost of rolling them out – always refer to it as an investment.
T is for turbines. They don’t kill bats and birds, they don’t devastate the environment, they don’t involve cutting down trees and digging up peat, and they are cheap.
U isn’t for unreliable, whatever the deniers say. Renewable energy works 24/7.
V is for volcanoes. They can’t possibly have anything to do with the climate.
W is for whales. They are under threat, from climate change, from naval exercises, from oil and gas exploration, but never from anything to do with wind farms.
X is for XR. They are beacons of truth, suffering so that we may be saved.
Y is for yearly weather. Always make out that this year’s weather was more extreme than the last.
Z is for zero emissions – even better than net zero!
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